If you’re calling us because a friend is threatening to take their life right now, and you’re with them, please listen carefully. If possible, remove the drugs, guns, or whatever your friend may be considering using from the area.
However, if your friend is holding a loaded gun, or has a knife, don’t try to take it away from them. Ask them to give you the weapon and then encourage them to talk about their feelings. Stay with your friend at least until this crisis is over. During this time, and this is very important, contact an adult you both trust who can help you deal with this situation – perhaps your friend’s parents or yours, a counselor at school, or maybe a minister. Get in touch with an adult right now if there’s a weapon like a gun or a knife involved. If you feel it is life-threatening, call 9-1-1 immediately to keep your friend safe.
If your friend is not in immediate danger, here is information that may help you. We know that you want to help but may be worried about what you can or should do, and that’s understandable. We’ll give you some suggestions for what you can do and mention some things you shouldn’t do.
First, what not to do: Do not ignore your friend. If your friend is letting you know through words or actions that they are thinking about suicide, they are reaching for help with a problem they can’t cope with any longer. If you don’t react at all because you don’t know what to do or are frightened, you might make that problem worse for your friend. They already feel that nobody cares. They’ll become convinced that no one does when they don’t even get a response to what they are saying or doing.
Another thing not to do is to try to make your friend feel better by telling them that the problem isn’t really that bad, that they’ll feel better tomorrow, or that they don’t really mean it when they talk about wanting to die or anything similar to this. A person thinking about suicide thinks that no one can understand their problem and how horrible they feel. When you react by saying something like, “You really don’t feel like that,” they’ll probably think that they are right – nobody understands.
Something else you shouldn’t ever do is try to handle a suicide situation by yourself or with a group of friends. It takes many years of training to deal with this problem. If your help and advice fail, you might feel guilty and blame yourself.
The best thing you can do for your friend is to get in touch with an adult you trust and believe your friend will trust and explain the situation to them. If it’s a teacher or counselor at school, or a priest or minister, call at home in the middle of the night if you have to. If your friend makes you promise not to tell anyone, break that promise! No matter what they say, they don’t really want to kill themself. They want help solving their problems. And no matter how good a friend you are, you aren’t really qualified to offer that kind of help. So far, we’ve talked mostly about what not to do if a friend is thinking about suicide. Is there anything you can do?
Well, one thing you can do is to try to encourage them to talk about their problem. Talking may help them understand what they’re feeling and why they’re feeling that way. While they’re talking, you can listen very carefully to the feelings behind their comments. Then tell your friend what you think they’re saying about how they feel. You shouldn’t repeat what they said, but in your own words, state what their feelings about their problems seem to be.
Let’s look at an example of how this might work.
Here’s an example of what we mean. If your friend’s boyfriend has just broken up with her and she’s very depressed about it, she might say something like this to you, “I can never do anything right. Tom just told me we’re through, and I don’t see how I can live without him.” Now try to figure out what she’s saying about her feelings. It might be something like, “You sound like you feel hurt, dumb and angry all at the same time.” And then let her respond to that. Talking with her this way will also let her know you’re trying to understand, which will also help. An important thing to remember when your friend is taking is that how she feels is more important than the problem or situation causing those feelings.
Accept what your friend is telling you they feel as the truth, and don’t argue with them. For example: Don’t say that their problem isn’t serious enough for them to feel that way about it or that you wouldn’t be feeling that way.
Another thing you can do for your friend is to give them something to look forward to. They’re probably feeling pretty hopeless about their problems. Encourage them to meet with an adult who can help. Offer to go with them if they would like that. Suggest that you get together again to talk.
Trying to help someone who’s thinking about suicide is a pretty tough thing for anyone to handle. Now, we’ve tried to give some advice about things you can do and the things you shouldn’t do if you find yourself faced with this problem. Don’t just ignore the situation. Don’t try to make your friend feel better by telling them that the problem really isn’t that bad. Don’t ever try to handle a suicide situation by yourself or with a group of friends. What you can do is believe that your friend really feels as bad as they say they do. Get them to understand why they feel the way they do by listening very carefully to their comments about their problems and figuring out the feelings behind those comments. Tell them what you think they’re feeling, and let them respond to that. Give them something to look forward to by suggesting that you get together again to talk or that they see an adult who will help them and offer to go with them.
Suicide among young people is a serious and growing problem. You are doing something about this tragedy when you try to help someone who feels in crisis.
